DAILY QUOTATIONS

December 1

The only downside is that the passage of Thanksgiving marks the
inescapable onset of Christmas. Any day now - any moment - my dear
wife will appear beside me and announce that the time has come to
shift my distended stomach and get out the festive decorations. This
is a dread moment for me and with good reason since it involves
physical exertion, wobbly ladders, live electricity, hammers and
nails, and the collaborative direction of said dear spouse - all
things with the power to do me a serious and permanent injury.

I'm a Stranger Here Myself
Bill Bryson


December 2

Oy! to the world.

Jewish Christmas Carol


December 3

I'd like to spend next Christmas in Rangoon,
Or any place where Christmas is as noisy
As Buddhist holidays might be in Boise.
I long to hear Der Bingle smoothly croon,
"I'm dreaming of a Christmas in Rangoon"
Or someplace you won't hear the Christmas story;
And reindeer's something eaten cacciatore.
I know things can't go on the way they are.
I'd like to spend next Christmas in Qatar.

Calvin Trillin

December 4

The perfect Christmas gift for a sportscaster, as all fans of sports clichés know, is a scoreless tie.

William Safire


December 5

When we were children we were grateful to those who filled our
stockings at Christmas time. Why are we not grateful to God for
fillings our stockings with legs?

G. K. Chesterton


December 6

On Christmas it is proclaimed that Christianity established peace on earth and good will towards men. Next day the Christian, with refreshed soul, goes back to the manufacture of submarines and torpedoes.

George Bernard Shaw


December 7

Real problem here is the salutation "Merry Christmas" versus "Happy Holidays". December 25 should be a day we all come together. It just so happens December 25 is also the birthday of actress Sissy Spacek. And who doesn't love Sissy Spacek? I love the "Coal Miner's Daughter." "In the Bedroom" was a little bit of a downer. I think we all should go around and greet each other: "Sissy Spacek. Sissy Spacek". I think it would be really nice. It has a nice ring.

Mo Racca


December 8

Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven.

W. C. Fields


December 9

Dear Lord, I've been asked, nay commanded, to thank Thee for the
Christmas turkey before us... a turkey which was no doubt a lively,
intelligent bird... a social being... capable of actual affection...
nuzzling its young with almost human-like compassion. Anyway, it's
dead and we're gonna eat it. Please give our respects to its
family...

Berke Breathed


December 10

Merry Christmas,
Nearly Everybody!

Ogden Nash


December 11

In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it 'Christmas' and went to church; the Jews called it 'Hanukkah' and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say 'Merry Christmas!' or 'Happy Hanukkah!' or (to the atheists) 'Look out for the wall!'

Dave Barry


December 12

May all my enemies go to hell
Noel, noel, noel, noel.

Hillaire Belloc


December 13

One Christmas, my grandfather gave me a box of broken glass. He gave my brother a box of bandaids. Then he said to us, "Now, you two share."

Stephen Wright


December 14

That's it, then. Cancel the kitchen scraps for lepers and orphans,
no more merciful beheadings, and call off Christmas!

Alan Rickman (The Sheriff of Nottingham in "Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves")


December 15

Roses are reddish,
Violets are bluish,
If it weren't for Christmas
We'd all be Jewish.

Benny Hill


December 16

Christmas is great. There's something in it for everyone: The Democrats like it because there's deficit spending
and the Republicans like it because you get to cut down a tree.

Garrison Keillor



December 17

The one thing women don't want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.

Joan Rivers

December 18

It is my heart-warming and world-embracing Christmas hope and aspiration that all of us, the high, the low, the rich, the poor, the admired, the despised, the loved, the hated, the civilized, the savage (every man and brother of us all throughout the whole earth), may eventually be gathered together in a heaven of everlasting rest and peace and bliss, except the inventor of the telephone.

Mark Twain


December 19

It might be easy to run away to a monastery, away from the commercialization, the hectic hustle, the demanding family responsibilities of Christmas-time. Then we would have a holy Christmas. But we would forget the lesson of the Incarnation, of the enfleshing of God—the lesson that we who are followers of Jesus do not run from the secular; rather we try to transform it. It is our mission to make holy the secular aspects of Christmas just as the early Christians baptized the Christmas tree. And we do this by being holy people—kind, patient, generous, loving, laughing people—no matter how maddening is the Christmas rush…

Fr. Andrew Greeley

December 20

Mother's out of jail, Dad!
Let us ask her in!
Make her Christmas merry
With food and fire and gin!
Mother's out of jail, Dad,
Let us ask her in!

Mother's Home Again!
Don Marquis


December 21

My brother heard a woman on a bus say, as the bus passed a church
with a Crib outside it, "Oh, Lor' They bring religion into everything.
Look - they're dragging it even into Christmas now!"

C. S. Lewis


December 22

Christmas is the one time of year when people of all religions come together to worship Jesus Christ.

Bart Simpson


December 23

I have it from a reliable source that if you play 'Santa Claus is Coming to Town' backwards you hear 'Die! Capitalist Pig, Die!'.

Anarchist Website


December 24

The great majority of people will go on observing forms that cannot be explained; they will keep Christmas Day with Christmas gifts and Christmas benedictions; they will continue to do it; and some day suddenly wake up and discover why.

Gilbert Keith Chesterton


December 25

May the Babe of Bethlehem be yours to tend;
May the Boy of Nazareth be yours for friend;
May the Man of Galilee his healing send;
May the Christ of Calvary his courage lend;
May the Risen Lord his presence send.
And his holy angels defend you to the end.

Pilgrim's Prayer
found in Oberammergau, West Germany, 1980